I'm sitting in my bedroom looking around at what I think is
chaos. To most people it would be considered
"clean for living with kids" but definately not tidy by any means.
Laundry baskets, 3 to be exact, toys {how and why are they in my room when my toddler is trying to open the diaper rash cream}, blankets, and whatever else
tornado toddler has brought in here.
I tidy all day long and it
doesn't seem to matter.
I know many of you can relate. You feel like your constantly picking up, putting away,
repeat, repeat. Sasha just yelled
"Mom Gage has a marble in his mouth!" Do I get up...no...why? Because I can see him from where I am. When I asked him to spit it out he does. He is 18 months old going on 4 years....sigh.....
I love my life...I truly do. I love how you
fade from one stage with children and enter another without ever truly noticing it happened.
Like today...we took the younger three out for lunch and I noticed how well my four year olds were sitting and eating...behaving
almost like very well mannered children. That my friends has been a long time coming. But it happened and today I noticed it for the first time.
My toilets are cleaner...and I don't mean the bowl of the toilet. The base and the floor to be exact. That means my four year old son is starting to aim at the right spot. A silly thing to put down in the baby book but hey it makes me realize they are growing up.
So when I look around this room and see the chaos in it and how it trails down the hall to the kids room I should just
relax into it. I
struggle with that. I know Motherhood will test you to your limits and my limits are silly neat freak things but I have to fight with myself to not freak out when things are not going my way.
I
fail miserably and
often but I know there is tomorrow {totally stole that from Dixie!}
Now Gage is in here getting into the drawers and lotions, standing on an ottoman to be able to do that.
Sigh................I'm tired.
I'm sure there will be many sighs in my life. With my Grandma being so ill this week, her heart was bad...real bad, I wondered if she was thinking of all the years she lived.
I do that now and I'm only a quarter way in {or so I hope}. I look at my 7 year old and wonder how the heck did he get so big so fast. It's cruel in a way how fast our heart can
explode with love but yet
break a bit at the thought of our children growing up and that need for us disappearing so fast...so very very fast.
I love being a wife, a friend, a sister, an Aunt {I do love love being Aunty}, but my
biggest blessings by far is the chance I have receieved at Motherhood. And though sometimes I'd love to give all my children away, I know I'd miss them after an hour of silence....okay maybe 8 hours.....!!!
I wonder on a daily basis why God blessed me with my four children. I
felt blessed with one child. I guess there was way more work on me than He figured with just giving me one so why not put me to the brink with four! I love it, and hate it all at the
same time and that is what I need to figure out..the middle ground. Too bad it might be when they are all grown and gone away. Let's hope I get it sooner than that.
But for now, I plan on
forcing myself to be in the moment as much as I can even if that moment includes four children each singing their own song and one of them screaming just because he can.
Many,
many deep breaths are in order.