It frustrates me when I wake very early and cannot go back to the sweet slumber I was in.
Usually it is because my mind starts churning.
Christmas was good this year. As my children get older it is nice to enjoy certain things a bit more. The understanding of giving, what is happening in Mass, the joy in receiving....it all seems different this year with a now 7 year old. It was nice not to have all four children to contend with in behaviour, but only three instead!
But there is always that underlying tension that I think any family has when you MUST spend time together just because it is a holiday.
I will admit this year it was less tense but the fact that someone truly doesn't like you is always in your face. The fact that these people just do not like the person you are hurts, but I guess it goes both ways. I will never change for another with the exception of my husband or children. When I say change I mean in the way of who I really am, what my heart holds, my beliefs, and my values.
Will I ever feel that I am good enough to "join" the group? Will I ever stop feeling so inadequate?
Does it even matter?
It matters to me, but in the end I just keep reminding myself that I do not have to "win" over anyone's love. I know what and Who is important. I just wish I knew that 10 years or so ago.
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