I would have been to a point this year that I could actually get a nice bowl or vase for this table. The kids would have left it alone and I would have felt the entrance way was completely decorated.
But....surprise baby #4 still has to get through his few years of curiosity and learning what he can and cannot touch. I know it is such a frivolous thing to be concerned about but people in my situation feel like the time when we can have "nice" things out or feel like our home is put together, that time seems like it is far away yet. Will I even care by then?
It's not just bowls on tables, it is alot of things that right now I have to put on the back burner because my children need me so much at this moment in their lives. Maybe I need them that much too and I don't realize it. Instead fatigue from sleepless children takes over all ability to think clearly in any given situation.
I long for a date with my husband, I long to buy a white shirt and wear it without fear of stains from children, white pants...well let's just say I have never thought that far. I long for van trips to town that are not exhausting right after we have left the garage {3 in car seats still}.
But I also long for the little arms around my neck giving me hugs and kisses. I long for the smell of the baby when he first wakes up in the morning and how soft his cheek is when I rub it with my lips. I enjoy watching every new development with all the kids but I am also tired and feel guilty when I just sometimes do not take it all in.
It is a two way street this motherhood thing. Sometimes you want to run fast to them on the left side while your passing Mother's running away on the right. I am that Mother on the right often but then I get my little time away and my brain resets, I get a glimpse of what it would be like riding in the vehicle alone and to be honest I don't like it. I like singing "You Are My Sunshine" at the top of my lungs with the kids, I sometimes don't mind listening to the boys fighting in the back because it's ridiculous what they are fighting about.
Yes, it's a tiring, thankless job at times but I was put here for a reason. Baby #4 was blessed to us for a reason and we don't need to understand all of it but we need to do the best job we can and relish in the fact that God knows exactly how were feeling when we are so tired it feels like our eyeballs are bleeding. He knows when we need to go lock the bathroom door and breathe deeply for a few minutes until we can face the little faces that can be so stressful at times. God knows and he will get me through it and teach me something along the way.
He also knows exactly who to place in our lives that can get us through this. I may not have my Mother anymore but I have friends that are supportive and in the same season of life so they can all relate when they phone me and I talk 100 miles a minute to explain why I am sending the six year old to boarding school far away in another country.
We make each other stronger and help keep the sanity intact over coffees and playdates. We need to immerse ourselves so much in our families that we forget sometimes what it's like to just relax at someone's kitchen table and shoot the breeze.
And someday I'll buy that bowl or basket or a new table for that entrance way...but for now a coat rack about 3 feet from the floor is going up there. The table will be moved and I'll look at the kid's backpacks until I can put something pretty and possibly fragile there.
"Powerful Lord, help me not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time I will reap a harvest if I do not give up."
(Galatians 6:9)
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